Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
