Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
