He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
