She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
