About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
