I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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