You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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