I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
