I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
