I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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