so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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