My sheets look like a crime scene.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
