I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
