I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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