I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
