i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
