you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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