apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
