It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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