So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
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Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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