Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
