I think my fart just growled at me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We are two peas in an std pod
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
