i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
