mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have fence marks all over my body
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
