Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
