Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
