Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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