Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
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I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
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I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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