i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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