I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
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............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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