Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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