you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
