Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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