Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
