Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You can't just leave with hair like that
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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