You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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