All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we're making bets on your personal life
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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