hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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