I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
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I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
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No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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