You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
