a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
