i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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