So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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