Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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