If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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