I seem to have left my pride at pride
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
