why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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