i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
