I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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