I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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