I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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