The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
