Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
