We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
