I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
