We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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