I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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