Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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