I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
