my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
